Sad Sad Week

6th July 07 was one of my saddest day in my life. I was bleeding again that nite without a reason and tinking I had to wait for ultrascan till August, I decided to make a trip to A&E that nite. Perhaps I shouldn had gone at all, I regret going there... The doc on duty did a scan and found out that the baby did not hav any heartbeat, in another words, I hav a miscarriage. Asking me wad I wan to do is useless since the oni choice I hav is to hav an abortion. Unlike normal abortion, people oni do washing the baby out, I hav to actually give birth to it before I can do the washing as the baby is too big claimed by the doc.

I was admitted that very nite, I couldn sleep as I expected. Alot of things kip running thru my mind... I was tinking would things changed if I never made the decision to come to the hospital, would the baby still alive if I never gone there? I didnt want him to feel guilty or worried abt me, I didnt shred a tear in front of anyone.. I just pretend nth had happened but deep inside me, I really feel very terrible.

I kip telling myself perhaps it will be better if the baby never come to this world. I know very clearly that he didnt really wan this baby, I know he agreed just because I couldnt bear to abort it. I oso knew it very clearly that his family will never agree towards our relationship. But I never wanted everything, all i wan is safety for my baby. I didnt even hope to be with him in future, I even plan to give up on this relationship. Why must things ended this way? Am I asking too much? Am I too greedy? I dont know, I really hav no answer..

The baby came out ard 2 plus in the morning on 9th July 07, I dont hav the courage to take a last look at it. I even refused to take pain killer when the labour pain came earlier, perhaps I wan myself to face the fact. I kept bleeding profusely, the sanitary pad was soaked in blood every 15mins and overflood. I didn really care if I was going to die at that moment, I wished I did at some point. I came home that evening I had my operation, I didn wan to stay another nite there. I didn wan to be remind of the incident.

After coming home, I didn talk much with him abt the incident. I just pretend nth had happened. I am afraid I would cry in front of him, I didn want him to know it actually affected me badly.

I wish... I wish... I wish time would just roll back for once...

YaYa