Things back to normal, at least by looking at the surface..

None of us mentioned about that incident anymore, perhaps is just too pain to say it out. Occasionally I will still throw temper and cried asking for breakup, I nid to be alone. Living alone somehow make me feel better, i duno why either.

Watched transformer yesterday, not a bad movie. Was kinda of surprise to see the place was almost full, i thought there wont b so mani people watching since it was up for quite some time. The graphics are awesome, though quite a numbers of friends including him find the last part quite confusing. They couldn figure out who is the bad & good guys, wahahaha~ I figure it out looking at the colour on them and I could recognise 1 or 2.

Was tired when get home after the show but I still managed to get myself to log into maple, had an appt wif my jr ldr. We are in charge for aug guild event, we nid to discuss the details. But he pop a qns to me which I couldn answer. He asked me to be his maple gf... He knew abt me in real life. Actually those who asked me in guild, I had honestly told them abt my background, dun feel the need to hide it. I just couldn figure it why he would asked me instead of the gers in guild. I had oni rejoin back this guild recently. Less than a wk... I had only met him few days ago. Haha... Maybe he had been rejected by all the gers in maple liao. I feel that wadever ans I gave him, it will make us feel uneasy in maple. Because he had already hint those active in guild.... What shld I do? =.=

Eyes pain, nid go rest liao. Hope I will feel better later.. T_T

YaYa

I'm been in daze for the past few days, I couldnt eat nor sleep. My tears couldnt stop flowing out from my eyes too. I didnt want to see anyone or talk to anyone, I had my hp switched off.

I have been dreaming of my baby for the past couple of days. Dreams can be so wonderful and sweet yet it really hurt one when you come back to reality.

I kip forcing myself to maple from morning till late night so that my heart wont feel anything. I always comfort my friends that time will heal everything, but will time heal me this time? I feel so guilty, I feel I'm the one who indirectly killed my own baby. I hated myself, I hated myself so much that I want to torture myself to death.

I no longer able to talk with him either. I just locked myself up, I don't want to be reminded of anything. I know I am being very unfair to him but I really unable to face anyone. I wanted a breakup, I do not want to get involved with anyone.

I hate life and being living on to suffer...

YaYa

Sad Sad Week

6th July 07 was one of my saddest day in my life. I was bleeding again that nite without a reason and tinking I had to wait for ultrascan till August, I decided to make a trip to A&E that nite. Perhaps I shouldn had gone at all, I regret going there... The doc on duty did a scan and found out that the baby did not hav any heartbeat, in another words, I hav a miscarriage. Asking me wad I wan to do is useless since the oni choice I hav is to hav an abortion. Unlike normal abortion, people oni do washing the baby out, I hav to actually give birth to it before I can do the washing as the baby is too big claimed by the doc.

I was admitted that very nite, I couldn sleep as I expected. Alot of things kip running thru my mind... I was tinking would things changed if I never made the decision to come to the hospital, would the baby still alive if I never gone there? I didnt want him to feel guilty or worried abt me, I didnt shred a tear in front of anyone.. I just pretend nth had happened but deep inside me, I really feel very terrible.

I kip telling myself perhaps it will be better if the baby never come to this world. I know very clearly that he didnt really wan this baby, I know he agreed just because I couldnt bear to abort it. I oso knew it very clearly that his family will never agree towards our relationship. But I never wanted everything, all i wan is safety for my baby. I didnt even hope to be with him in future, I even plan to give up on this relationship. Why must things ended this way? Am I asking too much? Am I too greedy? I dont know, I really hav no answer..

The baby came out ard 2 plus in the morning on 9th July 07, I dont hav the courage to take a last look at it. I even refused to take pain killer when the labour pain came earlier, perhaps I wan myself to face the fact. I kept bleeding profusely, the sanitary pad was soaked in blood every 15mins and overflood. I didn really care if I was going to die at that moment, I wished I did at some point. I came home that evening I had my operation, I didn wan to stay another nite there. I didn wan to be remind of the incident.

After coming home, I didn talk much with him abt the incident. I just pretend nth had happened. I am afraid I would cry in front of him, I didn want him to know it actually affected me badly.

I wish... I wish... I wish time would just roll back for once...

YaYa

Tired, tired, tired...

Just change my blog design, nice mah? I tink is cute... Like this song alot though is 10 years ago song, guess most of you might not even heard this song before. ;p

Has been sleeping very late for the past whole week, not because I was too engrossed in mapling but I was trying to get myself occupied to wait for him to get home. He's very busy for the whole, coming home ard midnight. Poor thing, he hasnt get enough sleep at all. T_T

Hate going out nowadays, I couldnt even go shopping for 5mins. Whenever I get to crowded places, I will start to get dizzy & feel nauseous. I nid to squat down like every min! So sian, must cope myself at home. At least now I am able to walk around the neighbourhood & take buses, is better than nth.

I wonder how much weight will I gain this mth, been eating supper almost daily & light snack in-between meals. Been trying hard to control myself, I am afraid to gain too much now in case I cant shred it off later on. Haha...

YaYa