I have no one to talk to except here, I didn't want to add on trouble to anyone. I keep thinking did I make the wrong decision, did I bring so much trouble to everyone, did I.. There are so many questions questioning myself that I do not know how to answer them..

Baby comes to the world on Wednesday, two n half months earlier than expected. I had an infection on Tuesday, that's what I guess because I developed fever out of sudden and later in the night contraction set in followed by "show". He is very tiny, less than 1.5kg. I could only hear 4 soft cries in the operating theatre and he has been staying in nicu since then. As expected, his lungs are affected, he can hardly breathe on his own. After a couple of days, I was told there's minor bleeding in his brain, his heart is weak etc.. Did I cause him to suffer? Perhaps, maybe, most probably I did..

Why wasn't I am the one who is suffering?  Why I create so much trouble for everyone?  Why didn't I get to die at that time so all these will not happen at all. I wish I was the one who died then, I really don't mind at all.. I was wrong in the first place..