I have no one to talk to except here, I didn't want to add on trouble to anyone. I keep thinking did I make the wrong decision, did I bring so much trouble to everyone, did I.. There are so many questions questioning myself that I do not know how to answer them..

Baby comes to the world on Wednesday, two n half months earlier than expected. I had an infection on Tuesday, that's what I guess because I developed fever out of sudden and later in the night contraction set in followed by "show". He is very tiny, less than 1.5kg. I could only hear 4 soft cries in the operating theatre and he has been staying in nicu since then. As expected, his lungs are affected, he can hardly breathe on his own. After a couple of days, I was told there's minor bleeding in his brain, his heart is weak etc.. Did I cause him to suffer? Perhaps, maybe, most probably I did..

Why wasn't I am the one who is suffering?  Why I create so much trouble for everyone?  Why didn't I get to die at that time so all these will not happen at all. I wish I was the one who died then, I really don't mind at all.. I was wrong in the first place..

It has been quite awhile since I update about baby, well I was busy with the family. Baby is growing well, measure 1260 grams on 29 week. Gynae pushed my EDD a week earlier so now my estimated EDD is 31st May 2014. Time passes really fast, I'm going to see baby in a couple of months' time. 

Oh yea, I am still leaking as usual and need to change about 4 pads per day and I used normal pad nowadays because there are times where it leak quite a lot. Of course I bought more panties to change daily. 

I'm so excited that we are going to buy some baby items next month because there are some items spoilt like newborn dimple pillow and also checking with gynae on the next visit if I will be going for natural delivery or c-section. Need to get all the items by next month too.. :D