Monday, April 21, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
My dear little Bennett, please remember to breathe always, it's a must to do that 24/7. I know you are not feeling well, I know you have lungs infection and you are anemia. But do not repeat what you did yesterday, stopped breathing and you don't even want to cry in the step down unit until you were moved back to nicu. Do you know this will terrified me, I'm really afraid to lose you. I can't imagine the life without you, I am so looking forward to the day you come home, the day I cam carry you for the whole day. Please continue fighting for yourself and for us, we love you darling.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Friday, April 04, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
I have no one to talk to except here, I didn't want to add on trouble to anyone. I keep thinking did I make the wrong decision, did I bring so much trouble to everyone, did I.. There are so many questions questioning myself that I do not know how to answer them..
Baby comes to the world on Wednesday, two n half months earlier than expected. I had an infection on Tuesday, that's what I guess because I developed fever out of sudden and later in the night contraction set in followed by "show". He is very tiny, less than 1.5kg. I could only hear 4 soft cries in the operating theatre and he has been staying in nicu since then. As expected, his lungs are affected, he can hardly breathe on his own. After a couple of days, I was told there's minor bleeding in his brain, his heart is weak etc.. Did I cause him to suffer? Perhaps, maybe, most probably I did..
Why wasn't I am the one who is suffering? Why I create so much trouble for everyone? Why didn't I get to die at that time so all these will not happen at all. I wish I was the one who died then, I really don't mind at all.. I was wrong in the first place..
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Friday, February 07, 2014
Sunday, February 02, 2014
Time passes real fast, it has been 2 weeks since I first heard my baby's condition and tomorrow I will be going back for review. No, termination of the pregnancy will not be an option for me. There is no way I can make such cruel decision, I have no right to determine to let baby to stay alive or die. Baby will make his/her own decision, I will stay by his/her side whatever he/she think it's best for his/her own.
Finally confirmed by myself that my water bag is leaking, I found out last night when I was lying on sofa. I concentrated hard and can feel where I was leaking from and further confirm it when I'm sitting on the toilet bowl. Also this time round, I managed to smell it. Now I know what's going on, I will check with the docs what can be done now. Baby, be strong..